John and Jack were at the Casino playing blackjack and were just leaving to go home at 3:00 a.m.
John: You know what I hate about returning late? When I get home. I turn off my headlights, turn off the engine, and coast into the driveway. Then I get to the front door, take off my shoes and sneak in as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight.
Jack: What I do instead is drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, go in the house and slam the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home," run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman?" She never even moves.
Five friends spent a week gambling at the blackjack tables in Las Vegas. One of the men won $1,000,000. He didn't want anyone to find out about it, so he purposely missed his flight and took a later plane home -- arriving back very late. He went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and hid the money in it. The following morning he walked outside and found the money had been stolen. He noticed tracks leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a teacher who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his gun, the enraged man went to get the teacher and took him to the deaf man's house.
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'm going to kill him!" he screamed at the teacher. The teacher conveyed the message to his friend, and the deaf-mute replied in sign language, "I hid it in my kitchen under the floorboards." The teacher turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd prefer to die."
At a posh English casino, a blackjack dealer and a player with a 13 count are arguing about whether or not a player should tip the dealer. The player says, "When I get dealt bad cards it's not the dealer's fault, so when I get good cards, the dealer obviously has nothing to do with that either, so why should I tip for that?
The dealer replies, "When you eat in a restaurant do you tip your waiter?"
"Yes," says the gambler.
"Well then, the waiter only serves you the food; if it’s good or bad, it’s not up to him.
By the same token, a dealer serves you cards, so you should tip him also."
"Okay," says the gambler, "a waiter gives me what I want. I'll take an 8."
A guy comes rushing into his house and screams, “Charlotte, pack your bags! I just won $300,000 at the blackjack table!” His wife runs downstairs, laughing with delight! She says, “That’s great darling, should I pack for the beaches or the mountains?” He replies, “Why should I care? As long as you’re out of my house by midnight!”
Once there was this guy who lived in Boston. He had a great job, a beautiful wife, a house, and two adorable kids. Then one day he heard a Voice. The Voice said, “Quit your job, sell your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He thought to himself, “I must be going crazy.” But he kept hearing that Voice over and over in his head. It was driving him crazy! “Quit your job, sell all your property, and move to Las Vegas.” He finally decided to go for it; this must be destiny! So the next day he quit his job, sold his home, and moved to Las Vegas. When he got there, the Voice said, “Go to the nearest casino.” So he went there. Then the Voice said, “Go to the high rollers blackjack table. Put all your money down on the first hand.” So he did, without any hesitation. The dealer put the cards out, and was showing a 9. The man had a 12. The Voice said, “Take a hit.” He scratched the table, and picked up a ten for 22. The Voice said, “Aw, crap!”